Attitude of Gratitude

I have the privilege of being a doctor,  I have the distinct honor of taking care of people, little (very cute) people to be precise.  I don't take this task lightly but much of what I do is run of the mill colds and flus, earaches and throat aches.  I work with a population which, for the most part, is healthy and I'm happy about that. But that doesn't mean I don't see my share of badness. Bad things happen to good people, bad things happen to little people.  Babies and young children that live and unfortunately die in hospitals.  As a doctor, we sometimes have to develop these hard shells to deal with it, to be able to keep going, to see another patient and then go home and hug our families. A recent visit melted my shell and shook me to the core.

 The patient was a newborn baby boy and he was doing just fine.  His mother, on the other hand, was a young mother of 2 boys with a new diagnosis of terminal cancer, she was diagnosed only one month before giving birth to her second son.  A son she may never see walk or talk.  As she told me her story, she started crying and tears sprang to my eyes as well.  My shell was gone and in its place was fear, anger, sadness, hope and most of all gratitude.  Gratitude was my first thought as she shared her diagnosis.

I was doing a home visit and felt so fortunate that I could have the time to spend with her, that she didn't have to sit in a waiting room full of germs, that I didn't have to rush her because I had a roomful of patients waiting.  All I had to give her was my time and support and my prayers.

So why does it take this tremendous tragedy to make me feel gratitude? I wake up every morning (wishing I could go back to bed) checking my Facebook/Instagram and email (see previous post),  thinking about my day ahead, my errands, my schedule, my kids' schedule, who needs to be where and when and how I'm going to get them there,  what am I making for dinner and whether I had time to sneak in a nap (I never do but I like to dream I do).  Of all those thoughts I have first thing in the morning, none of them are thoughts of gratitude.

First I should be grateful to be awake, that I have another day to live, to dream, to be,  to love. Then I could list 100 or  more things I should be grateful for on a daily basis (don't worry, I won't).  But if you are reading this then that means your list will be pretty long too!

I get so bogged down every day with mundane things and even get angry about them, why?  Because I'm human, because this is my world and sometimes I need to feel the petty things and then I need to let go of the petty things.  I'm working on the second part.

I told this mother that she was doing a great job, she had a beautiful healthy baby boy and she was instrumental in bringing him into this world.  She said to me she is blessed to have supportive family around her.  Let me repeat that, she said she is BLESSED to have supportive family.  At that moment, I was in awe, in her darkest times this women was able to see her life as blessed.  I stayed for a while and answered her questions, reassured her of how wonderful of a job she was doing, and left with a heavy heart and only one thought in my head, gratitude.

This does not mean I will now forever wakeup with only thoughts of gratitude, I wish it would, but I'm human.  I still get mad, sad, angry and frustrated even about the petty stuff. But I will strive everyday to live in gratitude. I will strive to always feel blessed as this courageous woman did.
How do you stay in gratitude?  How do you deal with the petty things?

Disconnect to Connect

I'm not a blogger,  I'm a mom, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend and possibly least of all that is important to me...a doctor.  Being a doctor is amazing, in numerous ways and I worked incredibly hard for those 2 letters behind my name but everything else is....life....my life.  I couldn't live without all those people in my life, I could live without the 2 letters behind my name.  So why am I blogging?  Basically becuase I want to share my thoughts with anyone who wants to listen, beacuse sometimes I want to write in a (public) diary, because I've been around long enough to know, if I'm thinking about it....probably others are too!
On my mind most recently, you have to disconnect to connect.  I always find it so ironic when I'm reading an article on facebook or other electronic modes of communication about ways to be more present in life and less attached to our devices...as I'm reading it on my device....
And now I'm writing about disconnecting from social media to be more involved in life and I'm doing it on....social media! THE IRONY!
Mostly, I just want to share my experience when I detached from social media for a short time (like a month).  It was hard,  like really hard.  It was like detoxing!  But here's what happened, I got phone calls from people I never talk to, texts just to say hi, I reached to some people just to say hi and people reached out to me knowing I'm not on social media so that I would know something happening with them.  My husband was proud of me as he thinks it's all a waste of time and there's no need to know what Sue had for dinner last night and with whom. So that was all the good things...here's some of the bad...I felt out of touch with people, I felt like I was on an island a little bit and had to rely on ships passing by to tell me the news. Mostly I missed my friends that I had been on a recent journey with, spiritually and physically, who didn't live near me.  We had our own facebook page and seeing inspirational messages or update posts from them fed my soul.
Here's another positive that people don't want to admit...no one posts anything bad on facebook, everyone's happy and smiling and doing something awesome.  No one is fighting with their husband, yelling at their kids, or washing the dishes.  So we all get this very skewed view of our friends' lives and the green monster seeps in....it's subtle but it's there and no one wants to admit it.  That was huge for me.  I would see friends out with other friends doing something cool (something I totally want to do) and say "oh, how cool" and "like" their picture but on the inside I was seething, I was sad, I was angry, I was lonely....all from a little picture of something I probably wouldn't know about if I wasn't on facebook.  OH FACEBOOK!  How I love and hate you!!!!!!
Therein lies the dilemma....and I don't believe there is a right answer.  Certainly there is no one right answer and different people feel differently about it and will approach it differently.
But what has worked for me....I'm back on facebook...and instagram (but that's all), I scroll through it daily (or ten times/day...) But I've emotionally disconnected.  I don't let toxic thoughts seep in and if they do, I stop and think...why?  Why is it bothering me that Sue didn't invite me to the cool new restaurant she went to with Debbie?  Would I really invite Sue and Debbie if I were making plans?
And if I really want to go to the restaurant then why don't I just make plans to go?
I've also tried to focus more on my family and close friends, as much as I do check my phone I really do try to make a conscious effort to put my phone away when I'm with my family and friends.  Out of sight, out of mind (kinda...)   Basically I try to connect in the real 3D world happening in front of me with the ones that are important to me.  Everything else is noise, fun noise, but noise.

What do you do to deal with feeling disconnected?  Or dealing with social media envy?