When my son was about 8 months old we were at a religious ceremony, a quiet religious ceremony, and he was just sitting beautifully in my lap; not a peep, no whining, no crying, no squirming. He was perfect. As I mentioned before this was his temperament. He was (and still is) very chill. So when a family friend, who was sitting behind us, praises me for his behavior I respond "That's just the way he is!" She assured me that I should take credit because of course I had a part in his behavior. Well, I have to admit as a new mom, that made me feel kind of good and really made me think, could I take credit for his angelic behavior? What if he was screaming his head off, what if he had had a bad night, what if he just wouldn't sit still....would I be blamed for his behavior?
I frequently think about this as we, as mothers, often apologize for our kids' behavior. Starting at a very young age. If I left my littles with a family member or a sitter I would apologize if my kids were fussy. I would feel horrible, I would take it personally! Oh and what about when it's your kid that bites or hits another kid at school!!!! Oh...the shame! You might as well move to a different state where no one knows the horrid event that happened!
Thing 2 was not as easy going as thing 1, don't get me wrong, she's great but her temperament is completely different (see previous post.) She let you know she was there and needed immediate attention (still does). It was completely apparent from the day they were born...Nature vs. Nurture.
But how much credit (or blame) do I get for their innate personalities?
The topic that is most glaring with this subject is manners. I truly believe manners are important but I don't think they are THE MOST IMPORTANT things ever!!!!!! I was taught manners more by example, then by actually being told to say please or thank you. In my culture we refer to everyone older than us in a formal way. To the point that talking to my teachers in grade school and referring to them as "you" was strange and felt rude to me. I was taught to be respectful by following examples. My mother did not withhold food from me until I said please or thank you. I was painfully shy as a child and if I had to greet every single acquaintance of my mom or dad, I would have passed out!
So back to my angelic son. He too is incredibly shy (or "slow to warm up" is the new PC way of phrasing it.) He would not make eye contact with a single adult for like the first 8 years of his life. He wasn't being rude, he just was not comfortable with looking at an adult in the eyes ( a stranger to him), smile and make conversation. Ok, that's kind of intimidating to me!!! But I could feel these adults (friends or family members) kinda judge (yup...don't judge me!). I mean, maybe they weren't but I definitely had times where people would say things to my kids like "Are you going to say Hi? Are you going to look at me?" UGH! I can feel the shame creeping up in me now! My husband and I agonized over this. We can't have rude children, we can't have other people judge us...G-d forbid! At some point I finally gave up, I did my best, I led by example, I made it a point to be polite and greet everyone when my kids were there. And then I gave up and decided, people can think what they want. I think my kids are great and if other people don't then so be it. And now.... I get compliments about Thing 1 (the same kid that would hide under a table at a party...really) and how polite and considerate he is...I'll take it. And yes I'll take a little credit for it YES I love to hear it!
I guess what I'm trying to say is, although it's our responsibility as parents to guide our children, to teach them manners, to set an example for them; ultimately they are their own person.. They are born a certain way and we can only guide them within those parameters. I've really grown out of my shell and I'm a lot more out going, but you put me in a big crowd and I'm still the quietest one there...I have no desire to be the center of attention...and I'm good with that.
Have you ever been ashamed of your kid's behavior? Have you been credited for your child's temperament/behavior? Blamed for it?
